So life is slowly adjusting. I’m not quite in full acceptance of the imminent arrival of an infant, but I have found a new peace with being pregnant. After a few months of denial followed by a few more weeks of defiance, I have hung up the race flats and have learned some limited coordination on an elliptical machine in an attempt to stay fit. I’m finding the one advantage to Ironman Canada always providing race tech tees in men’s only sizing is that they actually fit now and I can proudly wear them with my new found chub. Take that skinny bitch on the treadmill running 4 min kms.
Although I can’t swim, bike and run with the same vigor as in years past, I am finding some similarities between Ironman training and being pregnant. If you are thinking of getting pregnant and have done an Ironman (or vice versa) you might find some comfort in the norms shared by these two extremities.
- Food. Lots of it. You know in cartoons when a character is so hungry he pictures his friend as a cooked chicken? That’s what most of my friends and relatives look like to me. “Can you rotate a little to baste yourself honey?” mmmm.
- Bonking. Speaking of food. So you are out for a long ride and you feel the shakes coming on from your blood sugar dropping. Preggo is out for a 20 min walk and feels the same. IM athlete will probably open another gel; preggo will probably start to cry, but same same really.
- Sleeping. Ahh there’s nothing better than a post workout nap in the middle of the day. Or just a I-got-up-before-9am-on-the-weekend-and-I’m-making-another-human nap.
- Money. IM needs wheels, safety equipment, and many changes of clothes. Same for baby, just less carbon and spandex.
- Speaking of spandex. What an amazing fabric! So comfortable on those long rides, so comfortable sewn into the waist of a pair of belly holding pants.
- Leg cramps. I’m pretty sure I woke up a few weeks ago and felt like I had run 20 miles that day when instead I had stood for more than 20 mintues total. It was somewhat of a comfort and made me feel like my old self again for a fleeting moment.
- Potty talk. There’s a certain level of comfort endurance athletes feel about bowel movements and porta potty stops. Same too for preggo. It’s like all that silly embarrassment about crapping yourself in public gets obliterated by bigger issues like a healthy baby or a sub 10hr race. There will come a time either during an IM or during your pregnancy where adult diapers seem like a luxury and you’d like to meet the man that invented them.
- Full of bullshit talking egomaniacs that all have an opinion and are usually full of crap. So you’ve done one race and now you get to lecture everyone else about how it’s done? Oh, so you’ve had one child and now you’re starting your own prenatal clinic? I’m not sure which of these is worse, maybe the IM athlete that lectures about being pregnant?
- You’re working towards a goal that ends in hours of pain and suffering. There will be many times leading up to either when you think you must be nuts to have signed up for this. At least in pregnancy the entrant’s fee is much lower.
I would spend another few minutes composing the differences between IM and pregnancy, but I would hope that would be painfully obvious. I think finding similarities between one of the planets toughest endurance races and the creation of life can help make every mother feel like and Ironman. They all deserve a finisher’s medal, especially those crazy bitches that do this more than a few times (ahem, mom). But instead, they get a pooping, screaming infant that eventually turns into a rebellious, ungrateful teenager. I can’t wait.